I See You

"It is one thing to process memories of trauma, but it is an entirely different matter to confront the inner void—the holes in the soul that result from not having been wanted, not having been seen, and not having been allowed to speak the truth. If your parent's faces never lit up when they looked at you, it's hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished. If you come from an incomprehensible world filled with secrecy and fear, it's almost impossible to find the words to express what you have endured. If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self-worth. "

This passage from Bessel van der Kolk, MD in "The Body Keeps the Score" summarizes much of the work I do with clients who sometimes aren't even aware of their voids. The void has become their normal. They say "my parents were great, normal typical childhood." Yet they come to me struggling with lack of physical and emotional intimacy, low self worth, impulsive anger, anxiety, depression, substance abuse and unexplained medical syndromes. Their experience was not one of overt abuse in the way we often think of it, but one of neglect. What did or didn't get ideally unconditionally lovingly consistently wired in the first five years of a child's life is paramount. When I meet with my adult clients, I treat and see the infant inside. I start at the beginning, from the bottom up. I aim to cherish, to honor, to attune to what didn't get celebrated the first time because we all deserve to feel and know we matter. It's our birthright.