The Use of Detachment

In today's world of seemingly increasing self absorption, focus on collecting material things, beautiful bodies, and instant gratification, there seems to more difficulty grasping the concept of "detachment." Many people struggle to grasp the concept of letting go and disconnecting from anything and everyone. With awareness, some can eventually practice detaching from events and outcomes. There are few things harder, however, than loving another and also disconnecting and separating from them for your, and their, greater good... detaching from the people you love.

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:

• Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
  
• Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
  
• Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
  
• Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
  
• Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
  
• Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
  
• Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
  
• Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
  
• Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
  
• Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
  
• Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
  
• Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
  
• Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
  
• Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
  

Not being able to attach sometimes implies a tendency toward Codependence. 

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

• If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
• They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
• What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
• You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
• They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
• You need them as much as they need you.
• You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
• They have so many problems, they need you.
  

• Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
• If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
• How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
• Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
• You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
• The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
• If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
• When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
• When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
• When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
• You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
• You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
• You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
• No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
• Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

If you relate this these points, move on to the next blog about turning your Detachment into a daily reality!